49. Burbank's Story

To lighten the mood, Burbank told about when he went camping in England. His camp was on the coast, and the kids swam at the beach each day. But one say, a jellyfish stung a young girl. She was too far out and in too much pain to be able to swim back to shore. Burbank saw the girl struggling before the lifeguard did. Before anyone could stop him, Burbank leapt into the sea and swam after the girl, risking his own life with the threat of more jellyfish underfoot. But he was able to reach the girl without a problem, and he helped her back to shore. They hung a plaque in the mess hall after him. And the girl became Burbank’s first girlfriend. They were seven. Wow. I didn’t have a girlfriend until my last years in high school.

48. When things got serious

Eventually the euphoria wore off and we started talking about our childhoods. Lenore grew up in Nebraska, which is something I didn’t know because I never pay attention. I guess her family lived on a farm like hillbillies or something. They had a pet raccoon, which I thought was a weird pet to have. But then it got eaten by a coyote, which, again, is a weird thing to eat, even if you’re a wild dog. Vicious creatures.

This led me to tell my story about how I got chased by a raccoon at summer camp. I found it in the kitchen of our cabin, eating all the oatmeal. It ran at me and I had to hide on the top of the freezer. A councilor ran after it with a baseball bat.

Lenore didn’t like this story because she obviously loves raccoons. I’m so insensitive sometimes.

47. OMG Room Service!

Party in room 408! (Not our real number, in case anyone gets it into their heads to come knocking).

We pretty much ordered out the whole late-night menu: ice cream (2 flavors), something called watkin wynne pudding, éclairs, Pringles (because they’re my favourite), onion rings (god knows why), and fruit (because we needed something that wouldn’t kill us).

We stayed up all night nattering on and on. We couldn’t stop laughing, first at Burbank’s impressions of famous movie characters, then when the fruit hit the floor. That’s when Burbank noticed his next big thing: Fruit hitting the floor is hilarious. This is probably due to parents telling their kids to be careful with the fruit from the shopping centre. Don’t juggle the oranges. Mind the peaches so they don’t bruise. Dropping fruit as adults taps into that, making us feel like we’re getting away with something. This makes us giggle. It probably also has to do with the sound it makes.

46. Welsh Signing

Quite a big crowd tonight! Nearly a hundred, I’d say, though Lenore says that’s a generous estimate. I usually read from the first chapter, but I decided to try the third to shake things up.

Let’s talk Q&A. The first two questions were about the book. But then something magical happened.

Q3: Is Burbank a real person?

I glanced at Burbank in the audience, but he made no move to identify himself. I asked if she’d been reading the blog and assured her Burbank was real. Others expressed their doubt in this matter. Burbank smiled to himself. I started to sweat.

Q4: Why do you let him write your blog?

Because I’m nice. This isn’t the answer I gave them, but it’s the reality. If you were there, you know what I actually said was “He’s an adult. I can’t control what he does.” That probably isn’t true. I’m sure I could control a good majority of the world if I believed in myself enough.

Q5: Can we meet him?

Burbank shook his head a little. He’s so modest. Not like me, traipsing around Europe with my name on posters.

45. Rugby Game

We had some time to kill, so we went to a rugby game at the Millennium Stadium. It wasn’t a pro game because the season is over, apparently, but it would have cost too much if it were a pro game anyway. I didn’t really get all the rules to rugby because it’s not as popular in the States. I vaguely remember my high school gym class unit on rugby. More violent than football—I remember that. I nearly had my neck broken by Chris Curtains’s elbow. I think I blocked the rest of that unit out of my memory. Or maybe Chris Curtains’s elbow blocked it out. I started feeling a little dizzy during the game as the memories came flooding back. Lenore and Burbank practically had to carry me out. They thought it was the sight of blood that made me woozy, but they don’t understand what it’s like to be a five-foot freshman in a t-shirt and gym shorts, holding a cow-hide ball with six five-eleven guys sprinting right for you. Maybe this is why I was never very athletic.

44. Checking Inn

They screwed up the rooms at the hotel. I had said three rooms with single beds, but they gave us one room with three single beds. Must be my American accent that caught them up. So, tonight after the signing, we’ll have our own little party back at the room. It shall be grand.

I feel very at home in hotels. I think it’s because I was born in one on the bathroom floor. No time for an ambulance or a midwife. I was delivered by a bellhop. Why did you think my middle name was Hilton?

43. Train to Wales

We left London behind and caught a train to Wales. Lenore had never been on a train before. I have, but only once when I was little. It was a three-hour ride, but I didn’t get up to use the toilet once. This is probably because of a deep-seeded fear of train lavatories. The last time I was on a train, I accidentally locked myself in the lavatory and I was too young to work the mechanism to unlatch it. As my parents weren’t the most mindful, it took them a while to notice I was gone. Then chaos ensued as they went searching for me, but as I was quiet as a mouse—and mostly still am—no one had seen where I’d gone. The train people got involved and asked my mum and dad a lot of questions. My mum was so hysterical at that point, the worker even asked her if she was sure she had a son. When they discovered where I was, they had to wait until the next stop to find a janitor who could get the door open.