6/21/10
105. Competition Winner
The winner of the short story contest is J Leigh with “A Sweater Story.” You can read the story here. Thanks for all who played!
104. He's from Barcelona
After dinner, Burbank had me watch four hours of Fawlty Towers just for the “He’s from Barcelona” jokes. I haven’t heard of Fawlty Towers, but it’s a British thing, and British stuff is Burbank’s forte seeing as that’s his culture. However, I’m not nearly as educated on American media culture as he is on British media culture, but can you blame me? American media is generally not something you want to brag about as most of it consists of the lowest brow comedy or whining idiots shouting at each other.
Then we had to check out of the hotel. We’ll be sleeping on the bus tonight. I hate sleeping on the road, but it’s worth it because tomorrow, we’re waking up it Italy!
Burbank woke me up in the middle of the night on the bus to show me the next thing he put in his Things Burbank Notices notebook. It was about the languages in Barcelona.
I ask you: What's your favorite Fawlty Towers moment?
Then we had to check out of the hotel. We’ll be sleeping on the bus tonight. I hate sleeping on the road, but it’s worth it because tomorrow, we’re waking up it Italy!
Burbank woke me up in the middle of the night on the bus to show me the next thing he put in his Things Burbank Notices notebook. It was about the languages in Barcelona.
I ask you: What's your favorite Fawlty Towers moment?
103. Question Monday!
On Mondays, I publicly answer your pressing questions that have appeared in comments or in emails (milohtomb@yahoo.com).
Is it true you’ve been nominated for a Gregor Award?
Yes! The ceremony is on the 24th this month! I’ll let you know when I win. *wink*
I want to go to one of your events. Where can I go?
You can come see me in Europe this summer. My tour is posted on my website and in the sidebar. Otherwise, I live in New York City, so you can usually find me doing signings there. I get out to other US cities pretty often too.
I’m having trouble finding your books. Where can I buy them?
They are in such high demand that some of them are actually now out of print. The early ones are under contract negotiations to get printed by another company. The current book, Countdown, has run out of copies in this print-run, but it is scheduled for another run very soon. There’s a backlog of printing at the company, but I will let you know when they are back in stock. In the meantime, the best place to pick up a copy is to come see me at my events because all the bookstores for the summer tour already have books.
I really like your blog, but…aliens?
Yes. Aliens.
Are you on crack?
No. Please see previous post.
Is it true you’ve been nominated for a Gregor Award?
Yes! The ceremony is on the 24th this month! I’ll let you know when I win. *wink*
I want to go to one of your events. Where can I go?
You can come see me in Europe this summer. My tour is posted on my website and in the sidebar. Otherwise, I live in New York City, so you can usually find me doing signings there. I get out to other US cities pretty often too.
I’m having trouble finding your books. Where can I buy them?
They are in such high demand that some of them are actually now out of print. The early ones are under contract negotiations to get printed by another company. The current book, Countdown, has run out of copies in this print-run, but it is scheduled for another run very soon. There’s a backlog of printing at the company, but I will let you know when they are back in stock. In the meantime, the best place to pick up a copy is to come see me at my events because all the bookstores for the summer tour already have books.
I really like your blog, but…aliens?
Yes. Aliens.
Are you on crack?
No. Please see previous post.
102. The world is revolving around me!
I know it sounds crazy, but there are seriously aliens that have come to Earth to talk to me. I mean, I know I’m talented and good natured and everything, but there are plenty much more dashing and selfless people out there than me. Take my friend Burbank, for example. But no, they want to talk to Milo Tomb, and I don’t know the first thing about contacting them. Thank God Burbank’s with me to sort it all out.
So there we were walking down the road in Barcelona, and Lenore was with us, and she wants to go into this little pawn shop, right? So I’m all like “I don’t wanna go in the pawn shop—I might get herpes,” but Burbank convinced me to stop being a baby and I followed them inside this shower-stall-sized ‘store.’
There’s this man in a tan coat and lots of jewelry standing behind the counter. Burbank remembers what the person at the panel had asked about meeting a “rich coated tan man,” so Burbank starts asking him a lot of cryptic questions like “Have you been waiting for us?” and “Do you have anything we might like?” and “This here is my mate Milo, you know him?” All right, so not all that cryptic, but it got the job done. Lenore said she thought for a moment that Burbank was trying to score drugs off the man, but Lenore doesn’t seem to know that Burbank’s body is a temple that he will put no toxins into.
Eventually the man, who looked a little scared—definitely hired by the aliens and not an alien himself—handed over a little stick of metal. Burbank retracted it and pulled it to its full length again. An antenna. The next piece of the communicator.
So there we were walking down the road in Barcelona, and Lenore was with us, and she wants to go into this little pawn shop, right? So I’m all like “I don’t wanna go in the pawn shop—I might get herpes,” but Burbank convinced me to stop being a baby and I followed them inside this shower-stall-sized ‘store.’
There’s this man in a tan coat and lots of jewelry standing behind the counter. Burbank remembers what the person at the panel had asked about meeting a “rich coated tan man,” so Burbank starts asking him a lot of cryptic questions like “Have you been waiting for us?” and “Do you have anything we might like?” and “This here is my mate Milo, you know him?” All right, so not all that cryptic, but it got the job done. Lenore said she thought for a moment that Burbank was trying to score drugs off the man, but Lenore doesn’t seem to know that Burbank’s body is a temple that he will put no toxins into.
Eventually the man, who looked a little scared—definitely hired by the aliens and not an alien himself—handed over a little stick of metal. Burbank retracted it and pulled it to its full length again. An antenna. The next piece of the communicator.
101. They've got dogs with no noses
I met some fans after the event and we all went out to lunch together at a proper Spanish restaurant that I can’t remember the name of. It sounded spicy. My taste buds are not accustomed to such new flavors, but it was somehow delicious anyway, I suppose in the way that being with people you don’t know can make you feel good even though for all you know, they’re complete psychopaths.
But thank you to my fans. We all had a brilliant time and about fifty appetizer platters! Most of the conversation revolved around America. One girl really wants to go to America some day, but all the other people I was with said that they’d rather stay in Barcelona forever (who wouldn’t?!) or travel around the rest of the world. America is too glossy and pretentious they seem to think. And here I was thinking that everyone who doesn’t live in America wants to be in America. I guess they were right. We Americans can be pretty arrogant sometimes, like the whole world is revolving around us.
But thank you to my fans. We all had a brilliant time and about fifty appetizer platters! Most of the conversation revolved around America. One girl really wants to go to America some day, but all the other people I was with said that they’d rather stay in Barcelona forever (who wouldn’t?!) or travel around the rest of the world. America is too glossy and pretentious they seem to think. And here I was thinking that everyone who doesn’t live in America wants to be in America. I guess they were right. We Americans can be pretty arrogant sometimes, like the whole world is revolving around us.
100. Panel Event
I was asked to sit on a panel about the publishing industry at a conference in Barcelona. I don’t know any Spanish, but there was an interpreter. Thank you to all my co-panelists who are far savvier about the world of publishing than I am. I was the only one coming from an author perspective as the others consisted of an editorial manager, a project editor at a not-for-profit publishing house, an agent, and someone who works in distribution. There were only a couple questions directed at me, but thank you to all the people who got involved. Here’s some highlights:
How difficult is it to get published?
It’s difficult. I’m not going to lie. I don’t want to discourage you, but even if you’re a really good writer and have written a genuine masterpiece, you might never be published. But that should also be encouraging because just because you get a lot of rejection, doesn’t always mean that your work sucks. Though sometimes it does. Get a variety of opinions.
What do you think about self-publishing?
Well, it’s okay, I suppose, for certain people, but don’t think it’s going to make you a star. There are success stories where great writers self-published and because they were brilliant publicists and had a lot of money to throw at the project, they got picked up by a major house. That usually doesn’t happen, and you’re better off trying to get through the door by schmoozing.
Can authors get rich?
It’s possible, but it rarely happens. Usually if they get rich, it’s from something other than writing. Sometimes non-fiction authors will rake in some cash, but it’s hard for fiction. We write because we love it, not to make money. You often get an advance up front, but that means that you won’t see a single royalty check until after you’ve sold more than what your advance is worth. I didn’t make any royalties on my first novel. That’s just the nature of the game.
Have you met the rich coated tan man yet?
Sorry? I think there’s something missing in the translation.
How difficult is it to get published?
It’s difficult. I’m not going to lie. I don’t want to discourage you, but even if you’re a really good writer and have written a genuine masterpiece, you might never be published. But that should also be encouraging because just because you get a lot of rejection, doesn’t always mean that your work sucks. Though sometimes it does. Get a variety of opinions.
What do you think about self-publishing?
Well, it’s okay, I suppose, for certain people, but don’t think it’s going to make you a star. There are success stories where great writers self-published and because they were brilliant publicists and had a lot of money to throw at the project, they got picked up by a major house. That usually doesn’t happen, and you’re better off trying to get through the door by schmoozing.
Can authors get rich?
It’s possible, but it rarely happens. Usually if they get rich, it’s from something other than writing. Sometimes non-fiction authors will rake in some cash, but it’s hard for fiction. We write because we love it, not to make money. You often get an advance up front, but that means that you won’t see a single royalty check until after you’ve sold more than what your advance is worth. I didn’t make any royalties on my first novel. That’s just the nature of the game.
Have you met the rich coated tan man yet?
Sorry? I think there’s something missing in the translation.
99. Old Fart
I just bought a chair. I must be getting old. Young people don’t buy things like chairs. Chairs are things that are already there and if they’re not, you tend not to notice because you’ve got plenty of cushions and boxes to sit on. But I saw this truly blinding chair in a shop window and I said I needed to have that chair, so I went in and bought it and had them ship it to my apartment in New York. It will probably be there when I get back from this trip. Burbank can come over whenever he wants to sit in it.
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