Burbank notices that someone who is about to be sick gives off warning signs such as paling of the skin to the extent that you can see rivulets of blue lines inside their forehead. Also, profuse sweating that—along with the paling—makes the skin look like a recently beached jellyfish. There is a glassiness of the eyes and hot breath that smells like some kind of spicy vegetable that has been sitting out in the sun too long.
This is how I looked right before I got food poisoning so bad that I threw up all over the hotel room and passed out. Thank heavens Burbank was there to take care of me while Lenore called for a doctor. I was rather cranky when I awoke to find I was in hospital.
6/23/10
118. Thisda and Thothers
I couldn’t believe how many people wanted to see Burbank at this event. There’ve been photos of him popping up on blogs. People have started fan sites devoted to him, mostly because of his mysteriousness and unveiling, but of course they mention his talent for poetry as well. I shouldn’t be surprised that he brought a handful of copies of his novel with him to the event. He sold out in minutes. I didn’t do too bad either, but it’s Burbank they all wanted to talk about. All the questions were about my blog and my adventures so far and the aliens, not so much about Angela Beam and her adventures. But I can hardly blame them because real life adventures trump fiction any day, don’t they? And Burbank is a pretty rocking writer.
There was one embarrassing moment where I was signing books. This woman comes up, and I’m used to people starting off by saying their names so I can write while they jabber on to me about how my book has changed their lives yaddah yaddah. But this one woman clearly didn’t know protocol and said “Thisda Newan,” which I assumed was her name and I endorsed the book to Thisda Newan. When I smiled up at her, she looked rather perplexed and asked me again, “This the new one?”
There was one embarrassing moment where I was signing books. This woman comes up, and I’m used to people starting off by saying their names so I can write while they jabber on to me about how my book has changed their lives yaddah yaddah. But this one woman clearly didn’t know protocol and said “Thisda Newan,” which I assumed was her name and I endorsed the book to Thisda Newan. When I smiled up at her, she looked rather perplexed and asked me again, “This the new one?”
117. Coppers in for a Pint
We were just sitting there chatting away to Salmon when about a dozen cops barge in and start sniffing around. Salmon practically has a heart attack, nearly dropping dead right there in my beef ravioli. He tells us all to scoot in and not to move. “Don’t say a word,” he mutters through his teeth. He’s got his face over the table, hiding it behind our scooted in shoulders.
“They aren’t doing anything,” I said, watching the coppers wander around with all their battering gear on.
“They’re looking for trouble,” Salmon whispered. “Don’t let it be us.”
“But they’re police. They help people.”
“Not people like…” Salmon stopped short. Like what? “Me,” he was going to say. I just know that’s what he meant, that he was some kind of criminal or at least a rowdy drinker known to get banged up in the slammer every now and again.
We stayed like that for twenty minutes before Lenore declared this was stupid and we had to go to my book signing now, thank you very much, Salmon. He smiled nervously and asked to pay our bill, probably hoping we’d keep quiet about his whereabouts. But Lenore would have none of that and left some cash on the table for the waiter. I didn’t think it was a great idea because Salmon would probably take it.
“They aren’t doing anything,” I said, watching the coppers wander around with all their battering gear on.
“They’re looking for trouble,” Salmon whispered. “Don’t let it be us.”
“But they’re police. They help people.”
“Not people like…” Salmon stopped short. Like what? “Me,” he was going to say. I just know that’s what he meant, that he was some kind of criminal or at least a rowdy drinker known to get banged up in the slammer every now and again.
We stayed like that for twenty minutes before Lenore declared this was stupid and we had to go to my book signing now, thank you very much, Salmon. He smiled nervously and asked to pay our bill, probably hoping we’d keep quiet about his whereabouts. But Lenore would have none of that and left some cash on the table for the waiter. I didn’t think it was a great idea because Salmon would probably take it.
116. Italian Dinner
We went to a fancy Italian pub for dinner. Everyone was pissed on wine by the time we got there, but we ordered our pastas anyway and tried to ignore the locals who were singing songs and splashing their beverages about.This tall bloke sat down at our table without being invited. He smelled of red and called himself “Salmon.” He was very excited to see us and asked what we were doing in his country. Thinking he might be working for the aliens, Burbank lied and said it was my birthday tonight. Salmon thought this was the best news he’s ever heard and called a waiter over. I say called. What he actually did was lift his orangutan arm in a wobbly gesture and shout something indecipherable to even the people who spoke his language. A minute later, the waiters were putting fresh cut roses on our table and strapped a colourful hat to my head.
115. Rome
Rome’s a tad dirtier than I imagined. I mean, it’s got old buildings with bits crumbling off—that much I expected—but there’s an awful lot of graffiti and litter. But anyway, it’s Rome and we’re spending the day seeing the Roman sites like the coliseum and aqueducts and fountains and all that. I also bought a new white shirt and a dress suit so the others won’t have to bear with my stink much longer.We took a tour around the St. Peter’s Square area. Lots of statues of saints here. I tend not to listen to tour guides as I just trust them to get me to the places that are interesting to look at. But one thing did catch my attention. She said “It’s not about awards, you know, not usually.” I looked up from the pizza stand I’d been eyeing and saw that she was looking directly at me. “Not usually,” she stressed, “but sometimes it is.”
I think she must have been referring to some story about Roman competitions, but I couldn’t help feeling that she’d been speaking only to me, and referring, of course, to the awards ceremony tomorrow night. I’ve been nominated for a Gregor Award and the ceremony is here in Rome. Maybe she recognized me. Maybe it’s a secret message.
114. Roaming
I love being in a limo. It’s even better when I get to share it with my mates, Burbank and Lenore. There was even a bottle of wine. It was like prom or a wedding or something. We got to stick our heads out the top like idiots and hoot and holler at the Italian countryside.
Burbank even crawled up on the roof, which would have been a right good time if the imbecile driver hadn’t taken such a sharp turn and tossed him maliciously into the roadside brush. He had to pull over and wait for Burbank to scramble out of the bushes, and he didn’t even apologize. What if Burbank had been seriously hurt? I’d have had to cancel the tour because I would have been too crushed to carry on. Thankfully though, he’s taking it like a sport, but we all have to sit inside the car for the rest of the ride.
Burbank even crawled up on the roof, which would have been a right good time if the imbecile driver hadn’t taken such a sharp turn and tossed him maliciously into the roadside brush. He had to pull over and wait for Burbank to scramble out of the bushes, and he didn’t even apologize. What if Burbank had been seriously hurt? I’d have had to cancel the tour because I would have been too crushed to carry on. Thankfully though, he’s taking it like a sport, but we all have to sit inside the car for the rest of the ride.
113. Wrapped Up
I woke up early because our ride to Rome was leaving at first light. They’ve gotten me a limo this time so as I don’t have to sit on a bus any longer. When I got out of bed, everything appeared normal. I didn’t have any more clothes, so I didn’t open my suitcase. Instead, I went into the mini fridge where I’d left some yogurt. It was wrapped in cling film. I thought this odd, but unwrapped it and opened it anyway. My spoon, which I’d left in the drawer, was also wrapped in cling film.
I ate my yogurt and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. My toothbrush was wrapped in cling film. My toothpaste was wrapped in cling film. My razor and my shaving cream and my comb and the soap and the goddamn bog roll were each individually wrapped.
It was then I knew I should look in my suitcase. When I unzipped it, just as I had suspected, every item, small as you like, was individually wrapped like flies in a spider’s web. I don’t know how he does it! How does Burbank get in during the night and move about without me hearing? The man is a genius!
I ate my yogurt and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. My toothbrush was wrapped in cling film. My toothpaste was wrapped in cling film. My razor and my shaving cream and my comb and the soap and the goddamn bog roll were each individually wrapped.
It was then I knew I should look in my suitcase. When I unzipped it, just as I had suspected, every item, small as you like, was individually wrapped like flies in a spider’s web. I don’t know how he does it! How does Burbank get in during the night and move about without me hearing? The man is a genius!
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