6/27/10
140. Things Burbank Notices
Being suave has to do with confidence. It has to do with the kind of wine you order—which is not the kind we drank tonight—and it has to do with commenting on paintings on the wall and saying “Ah yes, yes,” when other people say things. Being unsuave can lead to kidnappings of the third kind.
139. Escape
The cigar woman wasn’t alone. She had minions and the minions had dogs. The three of us were sprinting down the dark Frankfort streets, footfalls and barking at our heels, when we found a squat little police station. I think we all saw it at once because we simultaneously dove at the door, crashing against the glass. But when we spun around, there was no one following us. We sat against the door, panting until a copper opened the door and let us in. We all talked at once, babbling about a crazy redhead and her torture devices. I pointed at my ear, now crusted shut with blood. Burbank mimed his heroic rescue. Lenore waved her arms up and down. She still had no idea what was going on.
Eventually the copper got us to settle down, took our statements, and gave us some ice cream.
Eventually the copper got us to settle down, took our statements, and gave us some ice cream.
138. Torture
I feel bad for Burbank, having to watch me get tortured like that. I’m sure it’s much more traumatic to watch your best friend writhe in agony than the torture itself.
The woman whipped off my blindfold. She was sort of old but in a beautiful way. The huge cigar looked very out of place between her thin lips. I tried to see where I was, but it was pretty dim and her face was taking up all of my vision. That and the needle she was waving in front of my face. “Last chance writer-boy,” she said like some kind of B-movie villain. Then she started sticking the needle in my left ear very slowly. At first it was just uncomfortable, but then it started to hurt. Blood leaked down my ear and the pressure felt like it was going to blow out my eyes. I started screaming, but I didn’t give her any information. I am surprisingly brave.
Lenore started to cry and I wished that I had had the spine to tell her earlier how I felt about her. I considered telling her now, but it would be an awkward story if I survived.
The next thing I knew, Burbank was hitting the woman over the head with his chair! Usually he doesn’t hit girls because he is chivalrous, but this woman was probably not even human. How did he untie himself, I wondered. He will ever be an enigmatic hero to me.
The woman whipped off my blindfold. She was sort of old but in a beautiful way. The huge cigar looked very out of place between her thin lips. I tried to see where I was, but it was pretty dim and her face was taking up all of my vision. That and the needle she was waving in front of my face. “Last chance writer-boy,” she said like some kind of B-movie villain. Then she started sticking the needle in my left ear very slowly. At first it was just uncomfortable, but then it started to hurt. Blood leaked down my ear and the pressure felt like it was going to blow out my eyes. I started screaming, but I didn’t give her any information. I am surprisingly brave.
Lenore started to cry and I wished that I had had the spine to tell her earlier how I felt about her. I considered telling her now, but it would be an awkward story if I survived.
The next thing I knew, Burbank was hitting the woman over the head with his chair! Usually he doesn’t hit girls because he is chivalrous, but this woman was probably not even human. How did he untie himself, I wondered. He will ever be an enigmatic hero to me.
137. Abducted!
I woke up to the smell of cigar smoke. I didn’t know where I was, but it felt cold like I was underground. Everything was dark. I heard a voice. “He’s alive.” It was Burbank.
“Where are you?” I asked and tried to get up, but my hands were tied together in front of me, my ankles latched together as I lay on the ground.
“Right here. You’re blindfolded.”
“Why?” I asked.
“How should I know?”
I asked him a lot of questions then. What happened, where was Lenore, where were we, why couldn’t I remember anything. He said he didn’t remember either, but he reckoned the enemy of the aliens, the redheads, had stolen us from the restaurant, and Lenore was here too, chained to the chair next to him.
Then there was another voice, very close, and cigar smoke stuffed my nostrils. The woman from the restaurant. I could vaguely remember her. She hadn’t said much before I blacked out. But now she was speaking to me again in her thick accent. “Where is the communicator?” she asked me.
I told her I didn’t know what she was talking about. She said that was fine. Torture would get it out of me.
“Where are you?” I asked and tried to get up, but my hands were tied together in front of me, my ankles latched together as I lay on the ground.
“Right here. You’re blindfolded.”
“Why?” I asked.
“How should I know?”
I asked him a lot of questions then. What happened, where was Lenore, where were we, why couldn’t I remember anything. He said he didn’t remember either, but he reckoned the enemy of the aliens, the redheads, had stolen us from the restaurant, and Lenore was here too, chained to the chair next to him.
Then there was another voice, very close, and cigar smoke stuffed my nostrils. The woman from the restaurant. I could vaguely remember her. She hadn’t said much before I blacked out. But now she was speaking to me again in her thick accent. “Where is the communicator?” she asked me.
I told her I didn’t know what she was talking about. She said that was fine. Torture would get it out of me.
136. Suavity
I gave Burbank an earful about the public pranking, but I forgave him by midday because that’s the kind of person I am. We are currently in a posh little dinner club. I’m up at the bar looking through the wine list while Burbank and Lenore are sitting at the table, waiting for a waiter to show up. We are all very underdressed in a place like this, which might be why we’re being snubbed. Everyone seems to know each other, too. It’s very difficult to be suave when you’re an outsider.
I’ve just come back to the table balancing three glasses of white wine. I’m setting them down in front of the others. And now I’m telling Burbank to get off his Blackberry because it doesn’t look very suave. Burbank is telling me that at least it looks like I have friends unlike me who seems only to be dining out with his business associates. This hurts my feelings and Burbank apologizes.
The waiter comes and rattles off some things in German. The menu doesn’t have pictures. I am annoyed at this and say so. The waiter has shiny black shoes. Lenore orders some appetizers. The waiter is walking away now. I tell Burbank again to get off his phone. I know that he is writing my blog and this annoys me too.
A woman with hair like a red hedgehog sits down at our table and smiles. Lenore is smiling back. I glance at Burbank, but he is still typing on his phone. The woman says “Good evening” in a thick German accent, and Burbank finally puts his phone away.
I’ve just come back to the table balancing three glasses of white wine. I’m setting them down in front of the others. And now I’m telling Burbank to get off his Blackberry because it doesn’t look very suave. Burbank is telling me that at least it looks like I have friends unlike me who seems only to be dining out with his business associates. This hurts my feelings and Burbank apologizes.
The waiter comes and rattles off some things in German. The menu doesn’t have pictures. I am annoyed at this and say so. The waiter has shiny black shoes. Lenore orders some appetizers. The waiter is walking away now. I tell Burbank again to get off his phone. I know that he is writing my blog and this annoys me too.
A woman with hair like a red hedgehog sits down at our table and smiles. Lenore is smiling back. I glance at Burbank, but he is still typing on his phone. The woman says “Good evening” in a thick German accent, and Burbank finally puts his phone away.
6/26/10
135. Fool of Myself
There were a lot of people at the German book event. You’d think by now I’d be quite prepared. After an introduction by the store owner and some clapping from fans, I approached the podium and smiled shyly at all the expectant faces. Thank you if you came to this event, and I apologize for being such a dunce.
I stammered my way through a hello. I guess I had a lot on my mind like aliens and redheads and my faltering relationship with Lenore because of my preoccupation with these things. I’m not even sure how many people in the audience knew English, so I suppose it didn’t matter.
I picked up my book and began to read the third chapter. One sentence later, I realized that I had just read from an erotic passage I didn’t remember writing. I stopped and stared at the page, listening to my audience shift uncomfortably. My face tinged red. This wasn’t what I had planned to read, was it? I flipped the book around and looked at the front cover. It was my personal copy, so I knew it wasn’t some strange German release that involved…well, if you were there, you know what parts of the body it involved.
Then I looked up and saw Burbank smirking in an aisle seat. I glared at him and he lost his composure. I tore the sleeve off the book to reveal some hardcover smutty romance Burbank had replaced my book with. “Burbank!” I shouted, and everyone turned to look at him, entranced by his internet fame. Burbank pulled a jacketless book out of his bag and passed it forward. I was beginning to sweat like crazy and took a gulp of my water, which I sprayed all over the first row, surprised to find my mouth filled with vodka.
I stammered my way through a hello. I guess I had a lot on my mind like aliens and redheads and my faltering relationship with Lenore because of my preoccupation with these things. I’m not even sure how many people in the audience knew English, so I suppose it didn’t matter.
I picked up my book and began to read the third chapter. One sentence later, I realized that I had just read from an erotic passage I didn’t remember writing. I stopped and stared at the page, listening to my audience shift uncomfortably. My face tinged red. This wasn’t what I had planned to read, was it? I flipped the book around and looked at the front cover. It was my personal copy, so I knew it wasn’t some strange German release that involved…well, if you were there, you know what parts of the body it involved.
Then I looked up and saw Burbank smirking in an aisle seat. I glared at him and he lost his composure. I tore the sleeve off the book to reveal some hardcover smutty romance Burbank had replaced my book with. “Burbank!” I shouted, and everyone turned to look at him, entranced by his internet fame. Burbank pulled a jacketless book out of his bag and passed it forward. I was beginning to sweat like crazy and took a gulp of my water, which I sprayed all over the first row, surprised to find my mouth filled with vodka.
134. Frankfort
We are spending the weekend in Germany. I’m exhausted from the travel and might go back to the hotel for a kip until the event tonight. Burbank’s roaming the city leaving little pieces of artwork everywhere he goes. If you’re in Frankfort, keep an eye out for tiny statues, especially downtown and at the city center. You might see little men, no more than six inches tall, climbing the sides of buildings or swimming in puddles. A small papier-mâché woman is walking her dog outside a library. But please leave the statues there. They are not your souvenirs, no matter how much you may love Burbank.
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